by Barry Drogin
I learned to be sophomoric during my three years as a sophomore at Emerson College and The Cooper Union. I learned to pun at my father's dinner table, and I learned sarcasm at my mother's teet. No, wait, my mother had breast cancer and died from it, as did her mother, I learned sarcasm from Groucho Marx. No, no, no, I learned sarcasm from Lenny Bruce. Wait, I know, I learned sarcasm in Auschwitz.
And I learned to be obnoxious and disliked from John Adams. No, that's a song lyric by Sherman Edwards from "1776." Sit down, John!
The tone you hear is a test of the emergency broadcasting system. It is only a test. Had it not been a test, you would have been instructed to leave your message after the tone. Had it not been a tone, it would have been a pitch, a sales pitch for Viagra, a pitch from left field, a pitch as dark as a pitchless night, or pitch as a darkless night, or dark as Martin Luther King, Jr.
Shut up. Just shut up, you arrogant bastard. Can't you see the natives are restless? Can't you see we lost the election? Can't you see that Susan Sontag is dead and Jon Stewart interviews the fourth estate, and the fifth column, and the sixth sense, and seventh heaven, and eight is enough?
Mad, I tell you, he's gone mad, and we're mad as hell and not going to take it any more! We're playing word association football. Who do you think you are, Eric Idle, or Billy Idol, or Sid Vicious, or Kurt Cobain? Damn this spot, stop this riff, but he could pass that football!
It's all coming together now, the anger, the greed, the low self-esteem, the depression. All together now (all together now). Get me his references, get me a Coke, no, a Pepsi, get me the real thing, the right stuff, the perfect storm, a spot of tea, won't you, dearie?
Learn to control yourself. Can't you learn? Can't Johnny read? Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable. Don't presume that David Hume will save you this time. And all that jazz.
Don't Worry, Be Happy. Don't Happy, Be Worry. If you could see her through my eyes, she wouldn't look Jewish at all. German Jews called Russian Jews "kikes." Yikes!
Never again! Never, never on a Sunday, 'cause that’s my day of rest. Shabbat Shalom. Jew York, Jew York, so nice they named it twice. Nice Jewish boy. Nice, sarcastic, obnoxious, arrogant, son of a bitch!
You are so rude. I am so rude to tell you that you are so rude. Miss Manners was mismannered. Dashiell Hammett was hammered. Goodbye, my lovely. Stop robbing from Robin Williams, take from the rich and give to the poor.
He's lost it. He that was lost is now found. Proceed to the lost and found and look for the rainbow, somewhere out there. There, there, it will be better in the morning. In America.
Stop Drogin this out! Can it, will ya! Be all that you can be, but don't be like that. Just don't. Just say no. Never say never. Never be hungry again. You are all a lost generation. I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness. Beat it to death. Beat it!
Mama, can you hear me? Dada. Cock-a-doodle-do. Doo Wop. Be cool. Chill out.
Gotta get me a brewski. Bowl me over. Super, just super. The Super Bowl. The Super Bowl. The Super Bowl.
The End.
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